Pregnant Warrior

There is so much focus during pregnancies on struggles the physical body faces, but mental health battles during pregnancy are hardly ever spoken about. So I wanted to write something to acknowledge the strains that pregnancy can have on the brain.

Although there was so much about being pregnant that I absolutely loved, my pregnancy was one of the most trying challenges for my brain. I faced a lot of outside stresses and life hurdles during my pregnancy, and I am so proud for battling through them. I wanted to remember the strength I felt and decided to get a tattoo of a pregnant warrior to capture that feeling. I feel so immensely proud when I look at it, and especially love its placement - right next to the stretch marks I earned during pregnancy.

Tattoo by Paul Tipping from Township Tattoo

It is important to mention how much I genuinely loved being pregnant. I absolutely loved feeling Nugget's (as Violet was known in foetus form) kicks and hiccups. I loved taking weekly bump photos to see how my body was changing while it was doing the incredible task of growing the child. And I loved buying loads of little baby grows and fun things to get excited for her arrival. But I also felt an overwhelming sense of worry any time I felt stressed as I worried about my stress levels affecting Nugget. Plus there was this whole societal thing that made me feel like I needed to be super happy and 'glowing' while I was pregnant. I perhaps felt a bit ashamed that I didn't feel like this all the time. I had bouts of feeling uncontrollably angry and overwhelmingly sad. I then felt guilty for feeling all of these things when I was supposed to be happy.

20 weeks pregnant with Violet

I had a lot of challenging emotional situations crop up throughout my pregnancy and the added hormones seemed to make my sensitivity ten times higher. I am proud to say that I came out the other side of those challenges. They seem like ancient history now, when at the time I was in a place where I couldn't imagine life ever being ok again.

I rediscovered therapy during my second trimester and I'm still going semi-frequently now. I found that therapy really helped me gather an arsenal of mental weapons that I can turn to whenever life's hurdles cropped up.

Photo by Katt May Finch

Being pregnant really helped me tackle things and not let things affect me so deeply. Maybe it was because my energy was also Violet's energy and I felt more obligated to put boundaries in place when anything cropped up that might jeopardise that energy.

I came across Hypnobirthing too, and Jeff and I took an online course (by the Positive Birth Company) as well as a physical course too. I picked up so much knowledge about the birth itself that I felt so empowered and ready to tackle giving birth. But Hypnobirthing also provided me with loads of really great breathing techniques for grounding. The breathing was intended for during birth but I have used them in other testing situations too and find they help so much.

40 weeks pregnant

Life challenges I had handled. Everything seemed to have settled down to a level I could cope with quite happily. The due date came. And the due date went. And so many other days passed by after that. Waiting for Violet's arrival while she was 'overdue' was such a huge strain on my mental health. Every day I would be bombarded with well meaning, excited messages asking if there was 'any news yet?'

We tried every old wives tale in the book. I ate pineapple until I was sick of it and I doused myself in clary sage oil. We attempted awkward pregnant sex (really not an easy task when you struggle to even turn over in bed!) and we ordered so much spicy curry from our local that they started giving us discounts. The curry place even made it a bit of a sport and started making different special spicy sauces for me to try every evening, under the promise that if it worked we would use the curry house name as her middle name!

And from around my due date I also started getting slow labour every single day. Every evening I would get period style cramps starting, usually while I was in the bath. I would go to sleep thinking that 'tonight was the night' and that she was going to make her appearance. And every morning I would wake up so disappointed as it had amounted to nothing.

I decided to hermit away from society for a while and really try and just keep my head together. I felt like nobody understood what I was feeling an no one ever had. Which is ridiculous really as so many people have gone overdue with pregnancies, including my mum when she was pregnant with me! But I found this quote which helped so much and summed it up perfectly.

‘The last days of pregnancy — sometimes stretching to agonizing weeks — are a distinct place, time, event, stage. It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.’ - Jana Studelska

Photo by Katt May Finch

Pregnancy was such a huge challenge for my mental state. But here I am on the other side of it. Violet is here and she is a beautiful and chilled little soul, a warrior in her own right. And I am left feeling like I are so much while I carried her, and certainly not just in my physical body. I cry (even) more now, but I allow myself to really properly feel things and just sit with emotions where before I would distract myself from them. I am more emotionally resilient. And I'm left with the knowledge that as I got through this I can get through any challenging situation that comes at me. I am a warrior.